I knew I had a problem when I started having to wear control-top turtlenecks.

     My doctor put me on a strict sugar-free diet. I can't even watch Touched By An Angel.

     You know it's time to skip a round when you're holding your bowling ball, and you look down and you can't see it!

     If God had wanted us to run, instead of a belly button, He'd have given us a fast-forward button.

     I'm no couch potato. I'm a recliner potato.

      My diet's working. I stepped on my talking bathroom scales last night and for the first time ever they didn't scream that I was too fat. They did mention in passing that my feet smelled.

     I'm not fat. It's just that my body naturally retains chimichangas.

     I have no idea how much I weigh because I can't weigh naked. Without my glasses I can't see the scale.

     I've really put on weight. I've gone from pinch-an-inch to rub-a-tub.