I can't help it, in flu season I'm paranoid. I'm sure the postman sneezed on my mail.
     I won't open it without microwaving it first.

     Yes, folks, it's the flu season -- time to wake up and smell the vaporizer.

     Everybody's sick. Downtown, a metermaid threw up on my bumper.

     My wife has the flu. It's terrible. I drove all over town looking for low-fat Bufferin.

     I think I’ve got something serious. My tonsils are the exact same shade of red as one of James Brown’s jumpsuits.

     My nose is so stuffed up it feels like all eight of my sinuses are doing the wave.

     One more sneeze like that and it’ll take the Amazing Kreskin to find my contacts.

     I don't care what the commercial says, the best cure for the flu is chicken soup. You ever see a chicken with a runny nose?

     My mother was strange. Whenever I got a bad cold she always rubbed my chest with chicken fat and made me eat Vicks soup.

     My mother was prepared for any medical emergency. She kept the freezer full of chicken soup and a jar of Vicks in the medicine cabinet -- right next to the Pepto-Bismol and the Mexican water.

     We've got the Asian Flu, the Russian Flu, the Hong Kong Flu. This country can't even produce its own germs anymore.

     Everybody I know has the flu. Yesterday I saw a snowman with a runny carrot.

     I think I've got the Cape Canaveral Flu. I feel like any second my nose may blast off.

     You know why those 12-hour time-release cold capsules are so expensive? Each one contains a teeny-tiny digital watch.

     Remember, the sneezing, sniffling, runny-nose symptoms of a cold last only 24 to 36 hours. So there's no time to waste if you want to give it to a lot of people.

     If wet feet can cause a cold, how come you never see a duck sneeze?

     Those new pacifier-thermometers are great. They come in really handy when your husband has the flu and won't stop whining.

     I took three Tylenol-PMs, right after I microwaved a cup of tea, and I went to sleep while I was brushing my teeth.

     I don’t know what I had, but the germs felt like they were using my intestines as a theme park!