I'll never forget my graduation. We were the only graduation class with a getaway car.

     My wife and I were in the same class. I'll never forget. She was the first graduate in history to wear her tassel up in a curler.

     I almost didn't graduate because of wood shop. For a term project I had to make a 2-by-4. I flunked. I made it backwards. I was proud of it. I kept it for years. I'd say to my date, "Want to come up to my place and see my 4-by-2?" I did a lot better with girls when I finally threw it away.

     My high school didn't have a graduation. They just kicked us out.

     I'll be honest, I did NOT graduate at the top of my class. In fact, I was so close to the bottom, my sheepskin had a tail.

     I'll never forget. During the commencement address, I yawned and swallowed my tassel.

     And all you graduates, you're ready to go out into the world. Take my advice -- don't go.

     Our commencement speaker said the world was waiting for us -- so I ran right out and got ambushed.

     Yeah, it's graduation time, and I bet all you seniors can hardly wait to get out of school and start your education.

     It's time for you graduates to face the challenges of the outside world. And you really lucked out -- the outside world has never been so challenging.

     I graduated from a very small school. Our commencement speaker was some guy demonstrating a Veg-A-Matic.

     Graduation demonstrates that no matter how boring a person is, he can always get a job -- as a commencement speaker.

     When I got my diploma I was a real inspiration to lower-classmen. They thought, if he can graduate, anybody can.

     You graduating seniors must prepare yourselves to accept life's harsh realities. And the reality is -- yes, you DO look like your yearbook picture.

     I graduated magna cum pimples.

     I sincerely hope all you new high school graduates plan to go on to college. Because in the years ahead you'll need a college education to make enough money to go to trade school.

     My son's education cost a fortune and he's finally graduating. I don't know why he's getting the sheepskin -- I'm the one who got fleeced.

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