My wife thinks big. She planted a redwood tree in our window box.
I fertilized my lawn. Now the weeds are
growing like .. weeds.
I watered the lawn. I've got the cleanest
weeds on the block.
Remember, weeds are just Mother Nature's
way to saying, "Gotcha again, Sucker!"
You have to hand it to people who plant
vegetable gardens. It's a lot of work just to make sure your insects have balanced meals.
It's no wonder my garden never measures
up. I just found out that all those pictures in the seed catalogs are posed by
professional vegetables.
My garden looks so sick, the birds are
bringing back the seeds they stole last year.
Remember, mulch is very important. It
provides extra fiber for the rabbits.
Some seed companies guarantee your flowers
will look just like the ones in the seed catalogs. If not, they'll send out a photographer
to retouch your flower bed.
The only way I can have color in my garden
is to spray-paint the snails pink.
I asked my neighbor if I could borrow her
lawn mower. She said he wasn't home yet.
I call my front yard a "television
lawn." It looks like a vast wasteland.
You can spend a fortune on your lawn and
it still looks awful. It would be cheaper and greener to paper the yard with dollars
bills.
I called Lawn Doctor. He said I should
call Lawn Priest.
I tried weed spray. I tried weed granules.
This weekend I'm gonna try dynamite.
I don't have just weeds, I have
Superweeds!
It was exciting. (Texas A&M) sent out a team to study
my weeds.
They wore masks and rubber gloves.
They finally declared my compost pile a hazardous waste
dump.
Did you ever wonder if they'll have riding
lawn mowers in heaven?
The only place I can grow really beautiful
grass is in the cracks in the driveway. I should park on the lawn and mow the concrete.
We found fireants in the backyard. My wife
called the fire department.
The SPCA may take me to court. While I was
spraying weed killer on my lawn, I accidentally sprayed a squirrel.
He's okay now, but his tail died.
