There's nothing like doing pushups to help you relax. Like this morning, I did 25 pushups and I was completely relaxed. I fainted.

     My late uncle was a real physical fitness fanatic. He had himself buried face down in case there are pushups after death.

     I say it's time for society to put an end to cruel and unusual punishment. That's right, folks, I'm against jogging.

     The streets aren't safe any more, especially after dark. Last night I took the dog out for a walk and got run over by a jogger.
     Personally, I don't think any one should be allowed to jog on public sidewalks without first completing a course in jogger education.
     And passing both a written and a sanity test.

     The physical fitness craze doesn't make sense. The guy who exercises every day and the person who never exercises at all end up with the same thing -- a body that will last a lifetime.

     I bought one of those exercise bikes. They come in two models: expensive and more expensive.

     An exercise bike is supposed to take the place of running. But the first thing you do when you see the price is run.

     I'm so overweight, I have an exercise bike built for two.

     Using an exercise bicycle in your house gives your cardiovascular system the same workout as jogging outdoors, plus an added advantage: you can have the heart attack in the privacy of your home.

      Everywhere you look you see signs of the fitness craze. When I stopped at a red light yesterday I saw a guy in a jogging outfit doing sit-ups, push-ups, and knee-bends. He was in the Toyota behind me.

     I'm in such lousy shape I get out of breath watching "Desperate Housewives."

     The latest exercise fad is called "Inversion Therapy." It involves doing exercises while you're hanging upside-down. Hanging upside-down cures back pain -- the nagging kind of back pain you get from trying to hang upside-down.

     I tried that inversion therapy, where you hang upside-down by your ankles. A bat fell in love with me.

      Hanging upside-down clears your mind and let's you concentrate on one thing -- how you're going to get rightside-up.

      My wife doesn't like it when I hang upside-down. She has to vacuum the dandruff off the carpet.

      (Any Guy) bought Carman Electra's exercise DVDs. And I'll make a promise right now. If he follows her program and winds up looking like her, I'll date him.

     When I work out at the spa I like the rowing machine. Your muscles are tense; your heart is racing; and you never move an inch. It's sort like being in a traffic jam.

     I don't like exercising. My leotards run faster than I do.

     I did 15 minutes on my exercise bike this morning. One minute of peddling and 14 minutes trying to get off.

     I HAD to start exercising. I simply could not bear the thought of having to walk around the rest of my life in this body.

     You know something has to be done when you get out of breath trying to bend over and touch your thighs.

     You talk about out of shape! In order for me to do a sit-up, I had to hook my thumbs in my belly button!