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Congratulations to all you graduating seniors! And remember when you finally get hired:
it's not just a job, it's the first day of the rest of your parents' life.
I'll never forget my graduation. Everybody else in
their cap and gown -- me in my cap and straitjacket.
Many of you graduates will be going on to business
careers, and the boring commencement speeches will prepare you for sales meetings.
Congratulations, graduates! It's the end of childhood,
that period of life when you're told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. And now
begins adulthood, that period of life when you enter the work-force and are told what to
do, how to do it, and when to find someplace else to do it.
A diploma is the reward you graduates get for staying
in school. And listening to the commencement speeches is the punishment you get for
staying in school.
Everyone could tell our son was a (Phillies') fan. When he
was handed his diploma, he dropped it.
This year's graduates have a greater knowledge of
computers than any class in history -- and can look forward to an exciting career in
billing people by mistake.
Graduation is the last time you'll see your teachers'
smiling faces. That's why they're smiling.
Graduation is when you separate the students from the
athletes.
In my graduation picture my nose is too big, my eyes
are too far apart, and mouth is lopsided. My face looks like it was put together by
Picasso.
One thing you learn from looking at high school
graduation photos -- there's a fortune to be made in dermatology.
When you graduate from correspondence school, do you
wear a cap and gown to the post office?
The best thing about graduation is realizing that the
commencement address is the last boring lecture you’ll ever have to listen to in
school.
Some college students graduate with honors. But a
lot more graduate with debts.
Just think, graduation is the last time school
officials will be able to tell you what to wear.
I’d advise you graduates to keep your graduation
gown. It’s the only outfit you might not outgrow.
You know it’s a tough high school when the commencement
speaker is Darth Vader.
College graduates make more money than high-school
graduates. High-school graduates can afford to get married, but college graduates can
afford to get divorced.
Graduates have something that will last a lifetime: an
uncontrollable urge to shop at back-to-school sales.
A student who thinks he’s drinking freely from the
fountain of knowledge soon gets an eye-opener when his student loan comes due.
Graduation portraits are usually unique. Not Dennis
Rodman’s—he’s been photographed in a gown plenty of times.
Graduation is a real accomplishment. It means the
teachers were finally able to get rid of you.
Some colleges hold graduation too early. Heck, some
graduates weren't even back from spring break.
I don’t understand high school. Principals spend
four years worrying about how you dress and then send you to graduation wearing only a
gown.
Requiring graduates to wear a gown is the
administration’s last chance to make students look stupid.
My kid’s college education cost a fortune. For
what it cost me to put him through school, I could have bought a cup of coffee at the
White House.
There were a
lot of jocks at my college. On graduation day we tossed our professors into the air.
Graduation Day is that memorable occasion when
the dean hands you your diploma and your parents hand you the Help-Wanted Section.
Before a student can graduate from law school, he has to take
a course in ethics. If he flunks the course, he graduates.
There are two kinds of commencement speeches: the good ones,
and the one at your graduation.
Many celebrities don't speak at commencement
exercises. Many celebrities have nothing to say, and they're the ones who give
commencement speeches.
Remember the first rule of graduation news coverage. If you're
the one who is so nervous, you take a deep breath and suck your tassel right up your nose,
you're the one whose picture they'll use in the graduation story.
My wife and I were in the same class. She was the first
graduate in history to wear her tassel up in a curler.
Remember, if you don't want your pimples to show in your
graduation picture, do like I did--wear a ski mask.
I was not a good-looking kid. Most parents put their
kid's graduation picture on the fireplace. My parents put mine in
the fireplace.
This summer many of you graduating
seniors will be getting your first job, and it's not true that the IRS will take your
first dollar. The first dollar is yours, every dollars after that is theirs.
I remember my guidance counselor. The guy
studied for years for his job, and deepest thing he ever said to me was, "You have
your whole life ahead of you."
Our principal was an animal lover. So instead
of sheepskin, our diplomas were polyester.
I graduated from a very small school. Instead
of commencement, we had a Tupperware party.
Every graduate got a diploma and a free Jell-O mold.
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