Supermarket Labels

    Consumer experts say always read the labels at the supermarket, but many times product labels don't say what they really mean. So! Here now, from our staff consumer advocate Sid Swindle, is another exciting Label Translation:

     "Crush-Proof Package" means, "We smashed the potato chips before we crammed them in the can."

     "New and Improved" means, We had some new and improved labels printed."

     "Special Introductory Price" means, "We have to unload this stuff fast before the health inspector shows up."

     "Super-Giant Bargain Size" means, "Big wrapper -- small candy bar."

     "Limited Offer" means, "This offer is limited to people who believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy."

     "Special Low Salt" means, "Special high price."

     "Garden-Fresh" means, "The freezer in the Wyoming warehouse broke down."

     "Diet Style" means, "Smaller can - larger price."

     "Farm Style" means, "We didn't wash the sand out of the spinach."

     "Doctor Recommended" means, "The manager's cousin is a veterinarian with no taste at all."

     "Special Purchase Sale" means, "The saleslady from the factory is very friendly with our buyer in Omaha."

     "All Natural Ingredients" means, "We also consider Cherry Kool-Ade a natural ingredient."

     "USDA Approved" means, "The kumquats are not radioactive."

     "Freshness Guaranteed" means, "This junk has more preservatives than a stuffed owl."

     "Special Price" means, "We raised the price."

     At the meat counter, "Ring Bell for Service" means, "Guess how long the butcher takes for lunch?"