Now! Another installment in our celebrated soggy series, "How to Swim Safely and Live to Lie About It." Here is another timely warning:

Never swim alone. No matter how exciting you are, drowning alone can be very boring.

Before diving off the high board, always take the time to ask yourself, "Is there water in the pool?"

Never dive into very cold water. Cold water causes both goose bumps and constricting blood vessels. And nobody can swim with a bunch of bumps goosing his vessels.

If you cannot swim, always strap on a flotation device. Some flotation devices are called life jackets -- others are called life guards.

When being saved by a life guard or life guardess of the opposite sex, it is not polite to blow in his or her ear. However, it you are as lonely as you are scared, a little nibble might be worth the risk.

If you are not an expert swimmer, never float into deep water on a raft, an inner tube, or a duck.

The most common cause of drowning is panic. So whatever you do, don't panic if you drown.

To relieve a cramp, float on your back and relax. If you are the type of person who simply cannot relax while drowning, you might want to tuck a mild tranquilizer and a glass of water inside your bikini.

Everyone who swims should know basic first aid, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. With practice, you may find that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is even more fun than swimming.

Always get out of the water during an electrical storm. It is also a good idea to get out of the water before blow-drying your hair.

If you do not know how to swim at all, filling your pool with Jell-O won't help.

Never do deep breathing exercises while swimming under water. Too much chlorine can really mess up your kidneys.

Never engage in horseplay while swimming in a public pool. Just think how bad you would feel if there was an accident and the horse drowned.

Never swim right after a meal because the blood will rush to your gastro-intestinal tract and, if you think about it, you might throw up in the pool.

Copyright ©2007 by Joe Hickman