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How to
Understand, Identify, and Classify Today's Music
Rock
"Rock" is a convenient all-inclusive term used to describe
any music played through a 300-thousand-watt
amplifier. To be really great, rock music
must include at least one guitar, 13 amplifiers, a
drummer in excellent physical condition, and someone who can
sing with a microphone inside his
or her mouth.
Hard Rock
Hard-rock music is exactly like regular rock music, only
louder. Hard-rock singers usually have huge electric bills
and sore tonsils.
Metal Rock
Metal-rock music is even harder and louder than hard-rock
music. To become a metal-rock superstar, you MUST wear
Halloween makeup and chains and all that other stuff that
really turns on a 13-year-old.
Hip-Hop
Hip-Hop music is hard to describe because you hear it only
briefly from the car in the next lane while you're waiting
for a red light. The coolest hip-hoppers are the ones who
can dance and keep their pants up with no hands.
Soft Rock
Soft-rock is sort of a bridge between rock and traditional
pop music. Guitars are still important, but the amplifiers
can be turned down to allow the audience to hear the lyrics.
Experimental Rock
Experimental-rock music has many forms: punk, progressive,
new wave, glitter, and so on. Generally, it is any
NEW form of rock music that
does not become popular until adults try to outlaw it.
The Blues
The blues is the music of
poor black country folks from the Mississippi delta sections
of New Orleans, Memphis, St. Louis, and Chicago. Since the
poor black country folks in Chicago have electricity, their
blues is called Chicago Blues, except in Atlanta where it's
called "Rhythm & Blues." Most good blues singers are
discovered either in prison or in church.
Gospel
Gospel
music is almost identical with the blues, except you take
out the mojo and put in an "Amen." Both the blues
and gospel deal with sin and
misery, but gospel is a little more sinful and not quite as
miserable.
Contemporary Christian
Contemporary Christian music is a lot like regular rock,
except the lyrics are nicer. At least, when you can
understand the lyrics. Some Christian songs are sung in an
unknown tongue, but we don't want to get into that.
Doo-Wop
Doo-Wop music originated in
the early 1950s. It involved a soloist singing the blues
while four other singers went "Doo-Wop Doo-Wop." This Doo-Wop
created a great deal of excitement because, for the first
time, black music offered something white folks could
understand.
Soul
Soul
music came along in the 1960s. The first soul singer was
Wilson Pickett, a young man who not only had the ability to
sing from his soul instead of his Adam's apple, but who also
figured out a way to plug his soul into an amplifier.
Crossover
Crossover is a relatively new
musical form. Basically, it consists of nothing in
particular and everything in general. A crossover singer is
easily identified by the color of his silver Rolls Royce.
Disco
Disco
music emerged in the late 1970s. It consists of very simple
lyrics drowned out by a repetitive beat. Whereas most songs
are judged by how long you walk around humming the tune, a
disco song is judged by how long you have to soak your feet.
Salsa
Salsa
is a musical form that originated in the Caribbean. For this
reason, salsa groups place a heavier emphasis on percussion
and bananas. The Jamaican version of salsa is called
"reggae," which can be distinguished by its political
overtones. Political overtones are created by stuffing a
politician inside your bass drum.
Folk
Folk
music is any music played by just plain folks who know
nothing about electronics. Folk songs deal with the singer's
own experiences, things like, "I missed all the fun the
night they drove ole Dixie down 'cause I was tied up in
Mississippi being thrown off the Tallahache Bridge."
Country
Country music, like all music, originated in Mississippi.
Country music is very similar to folk music, except that the
singers get a lot more personal and sing about drinkin' and
cheatin' and how ugly their kids are.
Hillbilly
Hillbilly music is exactly like country music, except
instead of singing in a bar to a bunch of drunks you sing in
the hills to a herd of billy goats.
Rockabilly
Rockabilly music originated
in the 1950s when a trouble-maker in Memphis decided that
country music should be racially integrated. Instead of
going to court, however, he went to Mississippi and found
some white hillbillies who were experts in sin and misery
and converted them into millionaires.
Outlaw
Outlaw
music is a form of country music, with maybe a little rock
or Hoagy Carmichael or The Star Spangled Banner mixed in.
The outlaw singer can sing any way he wants to, as long as
he does it while facing the general direction of Lueckenbach,
Texas.
Tex-Mex
Tex-Mex music is a fusion of blues, country, and the streets
of Laredo. Most Tex-Mex stars get started by either winning
a chili cookoff or stealing a goat.
Western Swing
Western swing is a combination of country music and New
Orleans blues. Western swing almost died out because fans
were concerned about getting hurt on the dance floor. But
that doesn't seem to be a problem now that most western
swing fans have Medicare.
Bluegrass
Bluegrass music has nothing to do with either blues or
grass. It has to do with fiddles, banjos, mandolins, and
layin' 'round the shack 'till the mail train comes back.
Bluegrass music becomes Cajun music if you add catfish or
crawdads or lay 'round the bayou 'till the pirogue sinks.
Adult Contemporary
Nobody
knows exactly what "adult contemporary" music is. Nobody
knew back when they called it "middle-of-the-road" either.
Generally, if it puts teenagers to sleep and does not give
adults a headache, it's called adult contemporary.
Pop
Pop
music is sometimes called "E-Z listening"
or "elevator" music. It is old-fashioned music that relies
heavily on pianos, violins, and Barry Manilow. Most of the
great living pop singers expect to
have hit records again soon, since all other music is just a
fad and will never last.
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Copyright ©1980, 1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman |
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