Winter Olympics Humor

Winter Olympics Humor

To me, the only thing more terrifying than flying off a ski jump would be going over Niagara Falls in a Neon.

Today's Olympic ski tip. When you've zoomed off the ski jump and you're flying through the air, the most important thing to remember is to avoid getting the tips of your skis stuck in your nose.

The bobsled and luge track at the Olympics is totally refrigerated, which has to be comforting. I mean, if you're bobsledding around a curve at twice the speed of good sense, you certainly don't want your ice to get hot.

The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, if Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized."

The Olympic Games began in Olympia, Greece, where archaeologists have uncovered an ancient stadium complete with an ancient starting line, an ancient locker room, and petrified athlete's foot fungus.

The games go all the way back to Zeus. You remember Zeus, the official god of the 1379 B.C. Olympics.

The original Olympics was a religious celebration. The ancient Greeks believed their gods cherished physical beauty, moral character, noble conduct, and intelligence. Later, of course, others began to worship Anaboli, the god of steroids.

I've never seen an eternal flame, but down at the corner fast food place, they have an eternal grease fire.

I could have been a great hockey player except for one thing -- I kept falling down.

One year I almost tried out for the hockey team -- but they refused to use a Nerf puck.

My wife can do a beautiful figure eight on ice. I can't even do a figure one.

Italy has almost as much snow in an Olympic year as Washington has in an election year.

The winter Olympics are more popular in other countries than in the U.S. Maybe if the ice skaters started chewing tobacco.

My neighbor, Bubba Barstool, says he prefers rodeos. But the Italians like the Olympics better. Actually, horses and athletes smell about the same.
But athletes are easier to clean up after.

I'm not a big winter sports enthusiast. Especially after my first try at skiing. When I broke my nose. Putting on my skis.

Where did some of these Winter Olympics events come from? Like the luge. How is sliding down a mountain on a cafeteria tray a sport?

Or the biathlon? Skiing and shooting. What is this -- the rich man's version of a drive-by?

Winter athletes are different. To quench their thirst, they have to suck on Gatoradesicles.

I went to sleep watching the Olympics. I want real excitement, like Amazing Survivor Ski-Jumping -- where the jumpers have to eat worms all the way down.

The Olympic Committee is a stodgy bunch. Once again, they have turned down our petition to have the Winter Olympics include snowball fighting.

Hooters tried to sponsor an Olympic event. The thought it was called boobsledding.

The bad thing about televising the Olympics is the regular network shows are pre-empted. The good thing about televising the Olympics is the regular network shows are pre-empted.

A ski jumpers worst fear is that he'll lean forward too far and tip over. It's a fear called Pamela-LeeOphobia.

Athletes at the Olympics packed everything they need to compete -- socks ... shoes ... anabolic Gatorade....