Dear John: I've been happily married (or so I thought)
for 18 years. I recently discovered my very first love,
"Janice," on the Internet. After all these years apart, we
both have realized that we still love each other and
desperately want to be back together. We are both married
with children and don't want to hurt our spouses. I feel
that if my marriage was as happy as I thought, I wouldn't be
having these feelings for her. What should I do now? — In
Love in Albany, N.Y.
Dear In Love: You're right that something must be missing
in your marriage if you went so far as to search out Janice
and reconnect. Still, is an Internet romance with an old
flame worth the breakup of two well-established marriages?
Not only would that be devastating to your spouses, but
consider the impact on the children as well.
Marriage is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. In
a marriage, you have to be honest with your needs, desires
and abilities, and so does your partner. You have to be
willing to give as well as to take; most importantly, you
have to be willing to compromise. In comparison, an Internet
relationship is easy. You can write and say what you want
about yourself, and those that know you best — including
your spouse — aren't there to contradict this image you have
created.
I think you'd both be making a big mistake if you do not
try to first resolve the issues that sent you "looking" in
the first place, because these same issues may stand in the
way of this next relationship. If, after working with your
spouse on these issues, you cannot get beyond them, don't
rush into another relationship too quickly. Consider a trial
separation in order for you to take the time to do the right
thing for you and your family. If it turns out that you and
your lost love were in fact meant to be together, taking
this extra time won't be a deterrent. It will be proof that
your reunion was in fact meant to happen.
Dear John: Frederick and I are newlyweds. Three weeks ago
I found out that, while we were dating, he used to hang out
at strip bars. Since then, I can't get this off my mind. I
feel devastated! Because of this, I don't know if I can
trust him anymore. His excuse is that we weren't married
yet, so it isn't a big deal.
He says he stopped doing this long ago, but I don't know
if I believe him. I feel humiliated that he was going out
behind my back, and all his friends knew. Do you have any
advice? — Still Shocked in Augusta, Ga.
Dear Still Shocked: Frederick has come clean. He knows
your feelings on the subject, and he is committed never to
go again. Don't let his past actions stand in the way of
your future together. After all, we've all done something we
are ashamed of or somehow regret. Perhaps you can think of
such an event in your life. Would you want some digression
to stand in the way of his feelings for you and your future
together? Forgive him, and allow him to prove his trust is
worthy of your love.
John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are
From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care
of this newspaper or by e-mail at:
comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept
anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about
John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate
writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate
website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
