Saturday, May 31

Simply enduring violence will not bring peace

DR. WALLACE: I'm writing about your response to Mindy, age 13, of Alliance, Ohio, who said her older sister, who is 15, hits her whenever she gets angry. Mindy explained that, as a Christian, she doesn't believe she should hit her back. Your response was: Defend yourself. Hit her back.

In my opinion, Mindy is right to feel that violence is wrong. The last thing we need right now is more violence in the world. Sure, one girl in one house isn't going to make that much difference, but by telling your readers that if someone hits you, you should hit back, you are telling millions of teens that violence is all right.

It's not, and anyone who can turn the other cheek should not be criticized, but congratulated. Maybe others, like yourself, could learn something from these peacemakers, and make the world a better place to live.

Please, Dr. Wallace, tell your readers that peace is the answer, not violence. You'd be doing the world a favor. - Cathy, Petaluma, Calif.

CATHY: We are not in disagreement. I abhor violence and believe, with you, that peace is the only answer. But turning the other cheek doesn't simply mean sitting there and taking it, over and over. When merely ignoring a bully doesn't curtail the bullying, different tactics are necessary. True peacemakers, in other words, actually stop the violence.

Sadly, many young people find themselves in Mindy's position. They are abused by some jerk who is able to act with impunity because the adults who are supposed to be in charge, at school or at home, are the ones looking the other way. Mindy had been physically abused by her sister for a long time. Her parents were failing to protect her.

She had no choice but to stand up to her sister in some way and let her know she would no longer tolerate being pushed around and physically assaulted. Sometimes words and unwavering eye contact are sufficient; sometimes self-defense requires stronger action, up to and including fighting back. Usually very little physical retaliation is necessary to cause the bully to re-evaluate her behavior.

But simply enduring the violence, and failing to end it, is not bringing peace to the world.

NO PARENTS, NO PARTY

DR. WALLACE: I'm 15 and have never been in any serious trouble - anywhere! I'm not considered to be a goody-goody, but I'm also not reckless either. My best friend is throwing a "sweet 16" surprise party for a mutual friend and, of course, I'm invited. The party will be from 6 to 10 p.m. on a Saturday. About 20 guys and gals will be attending. But I'm not so sure I'll be one of them.

My mom refuses to let me attend because there will be no adult supervision. My friend's parents are on vacation. All the kids who will be at the party know each other and none of them would be considered a troublemaker. Now that you have this information, do you feel I should be allowed to attend this party? I'm banking on you to be a friend and say yes. - Nameless, Santa Fe, N.M.

NAMELESS: Sorry, but I'm not in favor of teens attending a party without proper adult supervision. No exceptions!

I hope my answer doesn't end our friendship.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Write to him at Copley News Service, P.O. Box 120190, San Diego, CA 92112 or e-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net.

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