2008-11-15
Before Marriage Seek Help for Constant Arguing

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and my fiancée is 21; we are very much in love. Our only blemish is that we argue a lot. This has caused me to wonder if we will quarrel all the time after we get married. My fiancée said not to worry because people in love argue all the time. Is this true? — Nameless, Sidney, Ohio.

NAMELESS: I asked my wife if she still loved me and she looked surprised, but said yes (whew!). I then asked her if we quarrel a lot, but she said no. I said I thought we did, so we wound up in a huge argument ... only kidding!

People in love sometimes argue as well as people who aren't in love. Parents argue, coaches argue (especially with referees), teens argue, presidents argue and even lawyers argue. Everybody disagrees — at least once in awhile.

Why do we all argue? Because we have different opinions and think we're right even when we're wrong.

Since you and your fiancée quarrel a lot, it could be a sign that you both are seeking the upper hand, which isn't good. Marriage should be a compatible partnership.

Discuss this with your fiancée and see if you can solve this dilemma on your own. If you can't, seek the assistance of a professional counselor. Don't even think of getting married until this problem is under control.

CARING MOTHER DOESN'T UNDERSTAND PURPOSE OF GANGS

DR. WALLACE: I live in an area of Southern California where there are a lot of gangs, which means we have violence, graffiti and malicious mischief. I have two boys, and, praise the Lord, they avoided joining gangs. Both have graduated from college, are married and living law-abiding, productive lives. I credit the Good Lord, basketball and their mama's love and discipline for their success as human beings.

One son played basketball for UCLA and played a few years professionally. The other son, who was probably a better player, was injured his senior year of high school and didn't play basketball in college; however, he did earn his college degree.

My question, Dr. Wallace, is why do young people of all colors, races, religions and sexes join gangs? I never could figure this out. — Mama, Compton, Calif.

MAMA: Congratulations for being a superb and loving parent. Once a couple has a child, nothing in the world is more important than his or her safety, welfare and guidance. But I'm not telling you something you don't already know.

Sociologists at the University of Houston recently did research on teen gangs in Houston, Dallas and San Antonio, concluding that the main reasons for joining a gang were: (1) to gain acceptance; (2) to feel wanted and needed; and (3) to feel important.

Teens with low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence are the ones most easily enticed into gang life. In other words, they're not bad kids, just needy. When those needs are not met at home or at school, they turn elsewhere. How tragic that the only place left to turn for many young people is the streets, where violence and illegal activity are a way of life. A year or two of this life and a merely unhappy kid can become a hardened criminal.

If the major cities had more parents like you, I'm positive the whole country would have fewer gang members. Your success story made my day!

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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