The Daughter is as Stubborn as her Father

DR. WALLACE: Our 17-year-old daughter (soon to be 18) and my husband quarrel a lot about everything, from politics to the color of her hair. Tanya is a very bright girl and has a full scholarship to the University of Iowa, which she will be attending this fall.

Last night, these two got into a huge argument about her boyfriend. It ended when my husband told Tanya that it was going to be "my way or the highway." When I tried to bring reason to the family, he told me he was in charge, and if I didn't like the way things were at home, I could hit the road, too.

After school today, Tanya told me she was going to live with her best friend and her mother. They have an extra bedroom and will let her live there until our daughter enters college. This is very kind of them, but I'm very upset that our lovely daughter will no longer be living in our house. My husband disagrees. He said it is better for her to get out on her own and to learn that life is no "bowl of cherries." He said that he wants to know that she is safe, but is not sorry to see her go. Your comments will be appreciated. — Mother, Des Moines, Iowa.

MOTHER: When a child leaves home under duress, everyone loses — as you see with heartbreaking clarity. If your daughter had been seriously disobedient, it might have been necessary to take a drastic stand, but this was clearly not the case in your house. Your family needs to stop arguing and start communicating.

The "my way or the highway" attitude is a very poor way of coping with complexity. I urge you to begin playing an equal role with your husband in all discussions with your daughter. He's too stubborn for his own good and thinks he must be in control at all times. Telling you as well as Tanya to "hit the road" if you disagree with him shows both his immaturity and his insecurity.

Your daughter is just as stubborn as her father. She's a chip off the old block, standing up to her opinionated father and dishing out as good as she gets. Meanwhile, you're caught helplessly in the middle. You're also the glue that keeps the family together. To my mind, that makes you the one with the real power, and now is the time to exercise it.

Your job is to keep the family together, even if your daughter does move in with her best friend. Such a move is temporary. She needs your love more than ever, and she'll come back if there is any chance of a thaw in her relationship with Dad. Make sure both of these stubborn people understand that you will settle for nothing less than a happy, intact family!

This can't happen unless your husband changes his attitude and shows enough character to apologize to his daughter for driving her out of the house. I do understand his frustration — raising a teenager is one of the biggest and most important challenges life offers. But as a father, his duty is to guide, protect and love his daughter in concert and harmony with you, not issue angry, unilateral ultimatums.

And if — I mean, when — he apologizes to Tanya, she needs to forgive him and return home where she belongs.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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