* Sneakers for today's show were supplied by Snooky's Sneaker Salon, where today only high-fashion sneakers that regularly sell for $50 a pair are only $25 each.

* Physicals for today's show by Dr. Theo Tetanus, where this week you can get three knee taps and five chest thumps absolutely free -- a $40 value.

* Cologne for today's show by Macho Musk, the new fragrance made from U.S. grade-A Lake Erie musckellunges and rare Nova Scotian seaweed. Macho Musk, for the man who wants the world to know where he's coming from.

* Heartburn for today's show was provided by Tonio's Chinese Chili Parlor, famous throughout (suburb) for its cornbeef and banana sandwiches.

* Doggie treats for today's show were from HyperPet, the pet supermarket with the super deal. Buy one case of cat food at the regular price, they'll give you a free cat to eat it.

* Cars on today's show were waxed with Armadillo Wax, the all-new auto wax that leaves a tough invisible shield to protect your car's paint. And don't worry -- you'll get used to the smell.

* Teeth on today's show were brushed with Ultra-Shine, the new toothpaste that gets teeth sparkling white because it contains a secret ingredient -- paint!

* Dogs on today's show were tuned up at the AAMCO Pet Hospital, where Dr. Milo Carburetor personally guarantees your greyhound will get over 30 barks per bone.

* Funeral arrangements for today's show were made by Sam's Suburban Cemetery, featuring pre-need funeral plans at prices you can live with.

* Petunias for today's show were supplied by Peat Moss City, where this week potting soil is dirt cheap.

* Psychoanalysis for today's show is provided by Dr. Sigmund Webster, the psychiatrist who can solve all your emotional problems in alphabetical order.

* Broken records on today's show were repaired with Kooky Glue, the only super glue made from the hooves of horses declared legally insane.

* Metal detectors to check guests on today's show for concealed weapons were supplied by Guns-R-Us, where every week there's a Saturday night special on Saturday night specials.

* Excess fat from today's show was trimmed by our station budget director, Scott Scrooge, who also invented the coin-operated record album cover.

* Jokes on today's show were insured by Lloyds of (Lueckenbach), the same wonderful company that insures Donald Trumps hair against damage from wind, rain, vandals and birds.