* Now, another useless tip in our unspirational gardening series, "How To Get to Know Bugs and Grow Stuff:"

* Remember, one thing a gardener can always count on is insects. Get to know your insects. You'll be glad you did.

* There are three types of insects: chewers, borers, and suckers. Ironically, gardeners who think they can control chewers and borers also are called suckers.

* The best way to control garden insects is spraying. Always spray at regular intervals -- about twice an hour is recommended.

* The dream spray is a chemical that will kill all types of insects. There is no such chemical; that's why it's called a dream spray.

* Once above-ground insects are eradicated, the determined gardener who still has money, must go after underground pests like cutworms, grubs, and wireworms. The best time to attack underground insects is six weeks ago.

* Remember, insecticides are poisons. Read and follow directions carefully. And since the directions are so incredibly scary, it might not hurt to read them aloud so the insects can also hear.

* The best weed control is a sharp hoe. And remember, cursing weeds does not help and it may make them belligerent.

* Sharpening a hoe can be dangerous. Some community colleges offer courses in advanced hoe sharpening, but such course are pretty worthless unless taught by an accredited share-cropper.

* The key word in weed-control is "mulch." A mulch is a layer of anything dead: straw, grass clippings, or sawdust make excellent mulches. Black plastic sheets also work well, though pastel satin sheets are prettier.

* Compost piles should always be short term endeavors. A good, usable compost pile can be ready in only two to three weeks, which allows less time for neighbors to circulate petitions asking you to move.

* Making a short-term compost pile is easy. First, chop up 30 pounds of organic material such as manure, dried blood, or anything that smells really awful. Next, add 70 pounds of leaves, grass clippings, hay, stuff like that. Add milk, mix well, and let it rot for two weeks. Then, all you have to do is add water and stir gently while simmering over low heat for 24 weeks.

* You know your compost pile is ready when skunks start showing up to worship.

Who needs a garden? I've got plenty of green stuff growing in my refrigerator.