* Always apply fertilizers in recommended amounts. Too much fertilizer can make your soil fat.

* Water your garden regularly. Clean dirt is happy dirt.

* Keep your garden free of weeds and insects. This is impossible, of course, but it's something to do to keep your mind off the root rot.

* Do NOT over-water. If you are one of those people who simply cannot control rainfall, this may necessitate buying umbrellas for each plant.

* Use mulches to conserve moisture and control weeds. Mulches stink, of course, but this problem can be overcome by asking your neighbors to hold their noses.

* Do not apply chemicals in a hap-hazard manner. For example, if your garden is say 20-by-20 feet square, it would be hap-hazard to spray with an airplane.

* Remember, the early bird gets the worm, so worms probably won't be a problem unless the birds in your neighborhood party a lot and sleep until noon.

* To have a vigorous, healthy lawn, all you need is some vigorous, healthy dirt and lots of vigorous, healthy money.

* You MUST fertilize your lawn, preferably several times a day. In the spring, use complete fertilizers such as 12-5-6. 12-5-6? Sounds like a top-heavy midget.

* Any of several name-brand fertilizers are effective, unless applied before, during, after, or between rain showers.

* Mow your lawn often enough so that you never remove more than 30% of the leaf blade. For best results buy a mower equipped with a calculator and slide rule.

* Always mow sunny areas a half inch shorter than shady areas. If your shade tends to move later in the day, consult a shade expert.

* Remember that a gasoline mower not only burns up expensive fuel, but also expensive arms and legs. So when you run out of gasoline, never refuel with your motor running. And the same goes for your lawn mower.

* There are two types of lawn sprinklers: the kind that don't spin around and the kind that don't sweep back and forth. The second type is best, since it allows you to know which side of your lawn will rot first.

* Lawns should never be watered until the grass exhibits a need. Grass suffering from a lack of water takes on a definite sheen. If you have problems, consult a sheen expert.