Cheating is dangerous. Ask the IRS. Ask your wife.

Preparing my tax return always takes a lot of Kleenex. Not only do I cry a lot, but I wind up paying through the nose.

Non-taxable income is any payments received from outer space.

Remember, according to new IRS regulations, you do not have to file a return this year if, as of December 31st last year, you had been dead for one year or longer.

I need some legal advice. Which is worse, failing to pay your income tax -- or paying it with a hot check?

I found a great tax loophole. The only problem is, to take advantage of it, you have to be a 65-year-old blind college student who owns an oil well.

I've been paying taxes to the federal government for 40 years and the only thing I ever got in return was a free swine flu shot.

And remember, you can deduct birth control pills -- if they don't work.

I must have made a mistake on my income tax. I've got $7.00 left over.

If I had made $20 more I would have been in a higher loophole.

My brother got his income tax prepared for $25.00. I did my own and spent that much on scratch paper.

Talk about confusing. The 1040 instructions say, before doing your return, gather up all your records. Okay, I did that -- now which ones do I play?

A tax attorney is a person who has the expertise to explain a problem you didn't know you had in a way you can't understand.

It's spring cleaning time again. Spring cleaning -- that's what IRS does to your bank account.

It's not fair. Even when I use the long form I still wind up short.

Maybe you've heard of my tax service: H&R Blank. If you're called in for an audit, they'll swear they never heard of you.

I always try to do my taxes when I'm flying. It's relaxing, gives me something to do, and I'm close to an airsick bag.

So I told the IRS guy, "Well, you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip." And he said, "No, but we can send the turnip to Leavenworth."

There's a lot to be said about the new simplified tax forms -- but this is a family show.

This year's 1040 is so simple, any 6-year-old CPA can understand it.

I think my accountant is having problems with my tax records. I got that idea last night when I caught him kissing his pencil sharpener.

I had to cough up so much tax money, my savings account has emphysema.

Every year it's the same, I have to borrow against my life insurance to pay my income tax. If I don't die soon I won't have anything left.

Simplified instructions? If the IRS had handed down the Ten Commandments, Moses would've got a hernia.

Just remember, the last three letters in the word "theirs" is I-R-S.