Now another illegal tip in our continuing malpractice series, "How to Cure the Common Cold or Whatever:"

      * Take two aspirin in a glass of warm milk. This may not cure you immediately, but you'll feel better after throwing up.

     * Take a tablespoon of kerosene and sugar. Do NOT take kerosene and saccharin. That's for killing rats.

     * Go to bed with your hat on. This may not cure your cold, but at least it covers up the curlers.

     * Hang a dirty T-shirt on the light fixture, then jump into bed and chugalug straight bourbon until you see two T-shirts. This is guaranteed to cure either your bad cold or your drinking problem.

     * Mix a cup of castor oil with a teaspoon of salt, a pinch of nutmeg, and two ounces of chewing tobacco. Bring it to a boil, then when it's cool, rub it into your hair. By the next morning your cold will be gone. Don't worry about your hair -- it'll grow back.

      * Actually, the very best way to cure a cold is to eat a Vaseline sandwich. But that's not too practical since very few restaurants serve them.

      * And, of course, after trying these wonderfully creative common cold cures, if all else fails, you could try dying. That sometimes works.