How to Keep the Home
Fires Burning
Without Burning Down the Home
by Joe Hickman, editor,
HaLife.com
Now, The (Jock) Show
presents another exciting installment in our award- winning series, "How to Keep the Home Fires
Burning Without Burning Down the Home."
Here is today's hot fireplace safety tip:
☻Before
building a fire, make certain your fireplace is real and not intended strictly for decoration.
Remember, hot plastic can smell just awful.
☺Always
open the damper before lighting the fire. In case you forget, always keep a gas mask on the
mantel.
☻Going
to bed with a fire still burning in your fireplace is an invitation to disaster. It may also
prove embarrassing since few corpses look really cute in charred pajamas.
☺When
your clothes are on fire, always pause for a moment to remember those three little words, "Stop,
drop, and roll." Yes, it's true, rolling on the floor may set fire to your carpet, but replacing
your carpet IS cheaper than replacing your skin.
☻Never
burn coal, charcoal, or any type of polystyrene in your fireplace. The lethal carbon monoxide
produced by these materials can make you both dead and late for work the next day.
☺Never
use gasoline, lighter fluid, or other flammable liquids to start the fire in your fireplace.
This can be very hazardous to your eyebrows, ears, and other useful body parts.
☻Never
poke an artificial log. Artificial logs contain wax that can stick to the poker and drop onto
your fuzzy bunny houseshoes. Hot artificial log wax will cause a
fuzzy bunny houseshoe to completely disintegrate in flames in 1.9
seconds. And, in turn, result in a severe hot foot.
☺Though,
admittedly, it does make starting a fire much easier, it is probably not a good idea to soak
homemade rolled-up newspaper logs in nitroglycerin.
☻
Fireplace owners must constantly fight dangerous creosote buildup in their chimneys, a sooty,
filthy, disgusting job best performed by an experienced chimney sweep. Remember, the most
dependable chimney sweeps usually wear black hats and black clothes and have a certified diploma
from an accredited mental institution.
☺To
insure your fireplace is completely safe, simply follow every fire safety tip you've ever heard
and always have readily available a fire extinguisher, a fire hydrant, and a fire department.
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