Now, as a public nuisance, the (Jock) Program sneezingly presents, "How to Treat the Common Cold." Or, "Runny Noses Can Be Fun, Not To Mention Messy."

     - Call in sick. This is one of our basic human rights. If you are unemployed, call in sick to the unemployment office.

     - Do not call your mother. Being treated for a cold by your mother is worse than having a cold.

     - Never say, "Oh, it's just a cold." Your cold germs might be listening and take it as a challenge.

     - Stay home and keep quiet. If you must go to work, complain as much as possible and don't forget to sneeze on the boss.

     - Every hour take a 10-minute break: close your eyes, breathe deeply, and relax completely. This helps your body fight the virus and makes everybody think you're dying.

     - Drink extra fluids, especially lots of juice from fresh fruits. The insecticide just might kill the cold germs.

     - Go to bed early and sleep in a well-heated room. If you're the type who sleeps with Kleenex stuffed up your nose, be sure to sneeze with your mouth open.

     - Most home remedies are more trouble than they're worth. For example, there's almost nothing to be gained from sleeping with your nose in a zip-lock bag.

     - Extra-strength cold medications are no more effective than plain aspirin. And plain aspirin won't help either, but it's cheaper.

     - The best thing for a cold is chicken soup. 90-proof chicken soup.