Comedy Calendar

August 31, 2011

     The Royal Canadian Mounted Police was formed on this day in 1873 and soon became the world's most famous police force. But the Mounties aren't as popular as they used to be. Today, Eastern Canadians don't want their policemen to smell like horses.
     And Western Canadians don't want their horses to smell like policemen.

     The National Frisbee Festival is this week in Washington, D.C. It's an educational event. For a small fee a dog will teach you how to catch a Frisbee in your mouth.

     Canada's famous Northwest Mounted Police was formed on this day in 1873. And they screwed up. The Mounties very first prisoner, whiskey trader William Bond, escaped at Pine Coulee, Alberta, and was never recaptured. So, obviously, always getting their man didn't mean always keeping their man. Heck, any woman could have told 'em that.

      On this day in 1976 Carallyn Bowes became the first woman to run across Canada. She ran 3,841 miles in 133 days, lost 15 pounds and wore out 13 pairs of shoes. She was so pooped, she decided to take her time and walk back.

      On this day in 1981 comedian Milton Berle celebrated his 30th anniversary with NBC. It was such a big event, Uncle Miltie went out and bought a new dress.

     The first all-star football game between the NFL champions and the best college seniors was played in Chicago on this day in 1934. Only a few college players are good enough to make big money in pro football. That's why it's so important for them to make big money in college football.

     Today is actually September 1st, but most people refuse to admit it.
     In 27 B.C., after Augustus Caesar arranged to bury the hatchet in his granduncle Julius, Augustus became emperor and, naturally, wanted his own month.
     So Augustus chose Sextillus, the month following July. But since Sextillus had only 30 days, he stole today from September and called it August 31st. And here we are, over 2,000 years later, still screwed up.

     Today is Independence Day in Tobago. They're probably all screwed up, too, but at least they're independent.

     Leofric, the Count of Mercia, died on this date in 1057. His wife, Lady Godiva, rode the town naked to get what she wanted. I wonder if Hillary ever thought about that?

     On this day in 1941 "The Great Gildersleeve," a spin-off from "Fibber McGee & Molly," debuted on NBC Radio. In those days the nuts on talk radio were actually funny.

     On this date in 1964 California became the most heavily populated state in the U.S. and began sliding into the ocean. California later became known as Dizzyland.

     On this date in 1887 Thomas A. Edison patented the Kinetoscope, the world's first motion picture machine. If Edison could see what's happened to movies today, he'd probably roll over in his popcorn bucket.

     Canada formed the Northwest Mounted Police on this day in 1873. The Mounties' first assignment was to protect lumberjacks. At night, bears were sneaking into the lumberjack camps and stealing all their plaid shirts.

     On this day in 1965 draft card mutilation became a U.S. federal crime punishable by a $10,000 fine or five years in jail. So burning draft cards for the TV cameras became less popular. One militant group did try warming up their draft cards in a microwave, but no reporters showed up.