Comedy Calendar - February 12

Comedy Calendar

February 12, 2010

    Abraham Lincoln was born on this day in 1809. Things everybody should know about Abe:
    - He was born in a log cabin because, on such an important occasion, he wanted to be near his mother.
    - He had big feet, wore size 14 shoes. This is why he was elected president. Unlike other politicians, Abe couldn't put his foot in his mouth.
    - He kept his important papers in his hat. The highest security classification was "Top Stovepipe Secret — For the President's Head Only."
    - When he was nominated for president, the New York Times misspelled his name. Abe presented the Times an award for creative spelling.

Abe Lincoln Fun-Liners

Arsenio Hall is 55 today. Maybe he'll tell us how he gets his hair that flat. And if it hurts.

Abraham Lincoln was born on this day in 1809. Abe decided to run for president because he was honest, forthright, and sincere. In other words, he was a lousy lawyer.

Charles Darwin was born on this day in 1809. Darwin theorized that mankind evolved from lower life forms. And from the looks of people around here, we just may have reversed the process.

Abraham Lincoln was born on this day in 1809. Abe lived in a log cabin. He had no lights, no heat, no running water. I think I've got the same landlord.

History's most grueling auto race began on this day in 1908. Entries from the U.S., France, Germany, and Italy raced across America, Japan, Manchuria, Siberia, Russia, Poland, and Germany. The German entry reached Paris on July 26th; the U.S. entry reached Paris four days later, and the Italian entry six weeks later. The French driver still hasn't shown up.
He's probably still trying to find a Siberian mechanic who works on foreign cars.

This is the official birthday of Abe Lincoln, born on this day in 1809. Rumor has it, Abe used to expectorate while hanging over the edge of balconies, which is how he got his reputation as a rail spitter.

Joe Garagiola was born on this day in 1926. When Joe was broadcasting baseball games, he never split hairs. He couldn't -- his hair split before he started broadcasting.

Sportscaster Joe Garagiola is 84 today, and you have to admit: his scalp looks as young as ever.
Joe says he just doesn’t understand it: he never needs a haircut, but every other day he has to shave his ears.

Abraham Lincoln was born on this date ten score and 1 year ago. For those who don't know, it takes 20 years to make a score. Which is how long it takes me, too.

Today is Charles Darwin's birthday, although he always called it his evolution day.
It was the same every year. Charles had to blow out the candles on his monkey bread.

Lady Jane Grey, who was Queen of England for nine days, was hanged on this date in 1554. Then her ghost haunted Buckingham Palace for 380 years, then she flew to America and became Shirley MacLaine.
I know. I heard it on Jerry Springer.

On this date in 1878 F.W. Thayer patented the baseball catcher's mask. Today catchers wear a mask in case they get hit accidentally, and umpires wear a mask in case they get hit intentionally.
The modern catcher's mask is uniquely constructed. The openings in the mask are small enough to keep the baseball from getting in but large enough to let the tobacco juice out.