Comedy Calendar - February 8

Comedy Calendar

February 8, 2010

Journalist Ted Koppel is 70 today. I like Ted. He did a great job on "Nightline." Maybe for his birthday some of his friends will take him hair shopping.
The guy must have lots of money — why does he always show up with a discount do?

Mary, Queen of Scots, lost her head on this day in 1587. It changed her whole Life.
Queen Elizabeth the First hated Mary because Mary was quite contrary and wore silver bells and cockle shells. So Elizabeth chopped off Mary's cockles, not to mention other vital things.

On this date in 1587 Mary, Queen of Scots, was beheaded -- making it almost impossible to find a crown that fit.

Ted Koppel is 70 today. I think Ted has Tupperware hair. It keeps his scalp fresh, but when he puts it on he has to burp it.

Mary, Queen of Scots, was beheaded on this day in 1587. Mary was the inspiration for the "Bloody Mary Cocktail." Some people say drinking a bloody Mary in the morning cures a hangover. But then, so does getting beheaded.

The Confederate States of America proclaimed their independence on this day in 1861, selecting Jefferson Davis as president and issuing their first currency. Of course, the Confederate dollar later became worthless, but the Confederacy had the last laugh. Today the Yankee dollar is worthless.

On this day in 1590 the British Parliament passed a law creating work-houses as places of punishment for vagrants. It was the only place to put people who wouldn't work, because in 1590 they didn't have Civil Service.

Mary, Queen of Scotts, was beheaded on this day in 1587, charged with plotting to murder Britain's Queen Elizabeth the First. Britain has since abolished beheadings. Now they punish prisoners by making them wear Elton John's hand-me-downs.

The Sons of Daniel Boone and the Woodcraft Indians gave birth to the Boy Scouts of America on this day in 1910. The new group became much more popular than the Boones or the Indians because the Scout uniform had more room for badges than a coonskin cap or a loin cloth.
Besides, you could really hurt yourself trying to pin a badge on a loin cloth.

On this day in 1944 "Mairzy Doats" became the #1 song in America. Ah, who could forget that great classic? "Mares eat oats, does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy." Like a lot of the old songs it didn't make any sense at all, but you could understand the words.

This is Boy Scout Week. I was a boy scout, but not for long. I tried to help a little old lady across the street. She didn't want to go. She tied me a slip-knot.

The Boy Scouts of America was born on this date in 1910. So the Scouts' birthday cake today will have 97 candles on it, which the boys will light by rubbing two scout masters together.

I was a Boy Scout. You may have read about me. For seven years I was lost in the woods.
Thank goodness they found me just in time. I almost married a bear.

Ted Koppel was born on this day in 1940. And that was the last day his hair was messed up.

William Tecumseh Sherman was born on this day in 1820. General Sherman is best known for marching through Georgia, and for saying, "War is hell!" With language like that, maybe he should have been a sailor. But I guess he would have looked pretty silly sailing through Georgia.

On this day in 1587 Mary, Queen of Scots, was beheaded for plotting to assassinate Queen Elizabeth the First. If the Queen still beheaded people, let’s just say Fergie would have no more bad hair days.

On this date in 1587 Mary, Queen of Scots, was beheaded. They said she was planning to murder the Queen of England, but she would neither confirm nor deny the charge. I guess decapitation just makes you want to clam up.
At the beheading, Elizabeth grinned at the royal portrait painter and said, "Hi, Mom, I'm #1!"

Queen Mary, also known as the Queen of France, Queen of Scots, and Queen of Hearts, was beheaded on this day in 1587. That's the day she also became known as Bloody Mary.
Or was that another Mary? English history is so bloody it's bloody confusing.

Ted Koppel is 70 today. In 35 years of network news reporting, Ted never lost his composure. Except once, when he threw his hair at Barbara Walters.

Happy 42nd birthday to actor Gary Coleman. Gary is the only one of the "Different Stokes" kids who didn't end up in jail, so he's got no future in acting or politics.

The Olden Days Carnival is this week in Chicoutimi, Quebec. They'll recreate a world of the past, the good old days when everybody in Quebec was named Pierre. Even the women.

Boy Scouts of America was founded on this day in 1910. I was a Boy Scout, and I hated those short pants. At camp even the raccoons laughed at my knees.

Ted Koppel is 70 today. Maybe he'll get some new hair. Ted's antique hair is beginning to crack and peel.