Comedy Calendar

July 4, 2010

     On this day in 1829 Great Britain’s regular bus service began. And on the 4th of July, that’s what they celebrate over there.

     Today is U.S. Independence Day, when millions of Americans will celebrate their freedom by barbecuing their noses.

     This is Be Nice to New Jersey Week, so here's some New Jersey trivia. Do you know why New Jersey is called the "Garden State?" Because so much of it smells like fertilizer."
     All right all right! I promise to be nice -- tomorrow.

     Louis Armstrong was born on July 4th, 1898. He was a jazz trumpet legend with a very distinctive voice. Sort of like Yoda with strep throat.

     Be sure to fly your flag today. Otherwise, Betsy Ross will roll over in her bustle.

Much more July 4th Fun

     Today is Independence Day in the U.S., marking that fateful day in 1776 when John Hancock put his john hancock on the Declaration of Independence. Hancock got to sign first because he was the only congressman with a felt-tipped quill.

     I think it was very nice of the founding fathers to sign the Declaration of Independence on a holiday.

     Back home on July 4th we'd bake at the lake all day, then go to the drive-in and see The Killer Tomatoes Meet Disco Duck."
     Let's face it, celebrating your independence is more fun when you're young and still have it.

     In 1776 Great Britain was the greatest power on earth. They had all the ships, all the guns, and all the shoes. There is no conceivable way the U.S. could have won that war. The only possible explanation is that all the historians got together and lied.

     On this day in 1776 the U.S. declared its independence from England and King George-the-3rd noted in his diary, "Nothing of importance happened today."
     And who could forget his immortal words when, after reading the Declaration of Independence, King George said, "John Hancock writes like a sissy!"

     Sometimes I think they drained out King George's brain oil and replaced it with bacon grease.

     July is the month for the Calgary Stampede, greatest outdoor show on earth. The main event is the chuckwagon races, the world's smelliest drag races. They stir up so much dust you can't even tell who won.

     Happy birthday, America. It's just like the song says, "Another day older and deeper in debt."

     The U.S. was born on this day in 1776, but remember: to Native Americans, we're still a bunch of immature squirts who had to be taught how to plant corn,  skin buffalo, and play bingo.

     Roger Williams founded Providence, Rhode Island, on this day in 1636. He had to. He was kicked out of Massachusetts for arguing that the Indians should be paid for their land. Personally, I think the Indians should be grateful. We took their worthless grazing land and clean water and turned them into the greatest interstate highway system the world has ever known.

     On this date in 1828 construction began on the Tremont House in Boston, the first hotel to have indoor bathrooms. Before indoor plumbing, hotel guests had to call room service. And a bellhop would come up to your room carrying an outhouse.

      Today is Independence Day in the U.S., marking adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain on this day in 1776. It was a happy day in Philadelphia. The entire Continental Congress was drunk.

     Today is Independence Day, marking the day we became independent from England. And it's a good thing, too. If we were still part of England, the national pastime would be cricket.
     Man, cricket players don't even chew tobacco.

     Today is a day for patriotic speeches. And in their speeches, the politicians embody the spirit of the Liberty Bell -- they're cracked too.

     The dumbest July 4th celebration ever held is the Rubber Chicken Run in Cordova, Alaska. Rubber chickens do not run, humans run. The prize is a rubber chicken.
     Anyone who catches a cold while running this race gets a bowl of rubber chicken soup.

     Tokyo Rose was born on this day in 1916. During World War II, Rose became infamous for her anti-American broadcasts. She was such an unpopular broadcaster, if she were alive today she'd probably be known as Tokyo (Limbaugh).

     Today is the 4th of July, the holiday that asks the question, "Which came first, the cherry bomb or the hearing aid?"

     On this date in 1976 Frank Perkins of San Jose, California, set a world record for sitting on a pole.
     Frank had sat on a pole for 399 days! When it was all over, the pole immediately caught a flight back to Warsaw.

     John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence on this day in 1776, declaring the United States to be a free and independent nation, whose citizens were entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of one or more major credit cards.

     Today is Independence Day in the U.S., marking adoption of the Declaration of Independence from Great Britain on this date in 1776. Ironically, the occasion is also celebrated in Britain, which makes you wonder if maybe the American Revolution wasn't fixed.

     Independence Day is a solemn occasion. Our forefathers made it possible for us to spend the 4th of July surrounded by our wives, kids, and in-laws, and we honor them anyway.