Comedy Calendar - March 15

March 15, 2012

This is Plant a Flower Week, a time to remember if nobody plants flowers, all we can do is stop and smell each other.

Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton the first time on this date in 1964. You have to give Liz credit -- she certainly holds the record for marrying Richard Burton.

This is National Poison Prevention Week, so I'm not cooking.

This is Poison Prevention Week, a good time to throw out the last of that leftover Thanksgiving turkey.

Remember, to prevent poisoning, when petting your rattlesnake, never tickle his rattles.

     Today is the Ides of March. On this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. "Beware the Ides of March" is probably the most famous saying we have about Ides.
     Except for the one that goes, "The Ides of Texas Are Upon You."
     Ides better be going now.

Mbongo, history's heaviest gorilla, died at the San Diego Zoo on this day in 1947. Mbongo weighed 670 pounds, and it was kind of sad because the other gorillas made fun of him. They'd laugh and yell, "Mbongo, you big ape!"

What do you do when a 670-pound gorilla walks into the room?
Just be cool -- and try not to go bananas.

The first Russian settlement in America was established at Cazadero, California, on this day in 1812. Most Russians who come to America get homesick. The thought of going back home makes them sick.

The American Legion was founded on this day in 1919. Before that, newlyweds had to hold their wedding receptions outside.

Mike Love of the Beach Boys is 71 today. Instead of a Beach Boy, doesn't that make him a Beach Geezer?

Today is Buzzards Day in Hinckley, Ohio. Which, of course, is a bunch of bull-hockey because the buzzard is a European hawk who wouldn't be caught dead in Hinckley, Ohio.
What Hinckleyites call a buzzard actually is a turkey vulture, a bird of questionable character, rancid breath, and no intelligence whatsoever. Which may explain why he feels at home in Hinckley, Ohio.

    Now, today's gross buzzard trivia question:
     Which is more gross, a buzzard or a goatsucker?
     When it comes to gross, the buzzard is #1. Buzzards will eat anything dead in broad daylight.
     Goatsuckers suck only at night, and they don't suck goats, they suck insects off the goats.
     Goatsuckers are nicer than buzzards. Ask any goat.

Today is Buzzards Day in Hinckley, Ohio, the day Hinckleyites watch the skies for the first buzzards of spring. Real buzzard lovers wave dead meat.
Real buzzard lovers are frequently mentally weird and have been known to smoke feathers.
The buzzards used to return to Cleveland, but they got tired of the inner city and moved to the suburbs. In Ohio, they call that "buzzard flight."

Today is Buzzards Day in Hinckley, Ohio, the day the buzzards return. Nobody knows why the buzzards return. From all indications even the buzzards aren't sure.

What the buzzards find so appealing in Hinckley is about as clear is why Hinckley wants to honor the buzzards.

Maine became the 23rd U.S. state on Buzzards Day in 1820. Before that, Maine was part of Massachusetts. In the divorce settlement, Maine got custody of most of the snow.
Massachusetts got Fenway Park.

Andrew Jackson was born on this date in 1767. He was the U.S. president who spent most of his time gambling and dueling, so he was reelected. That was back in the good old days—when a lack of character was important.

Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton the first time on this day in 1964. She also married him a second time. But that came later.
It came after the first divorce but before the second divorce. Intermingled with numerous other marriages, divorces, romances, and in-between-meal snacks.

On this day in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar gave blood the hard way.

Today marks the Ides of March, the day in 44 B.C. when Julius Caesar was assassinated. Oddly enough, being assassinated is the achievement for which Julius is most fondly remembered.
Never mind the Ides of March -- I'm more concerned about the fungicides of April.

The first indoor flycasting tournament was held in New York City on this day in 1897. New York was chosen because there was a garbage strike and it was easy to get flies.

On this day in 1972 Los Angeles radio station KHJ played Donny Osmond's "Puppy Love" over and over for 13 consecutive hours. Police finally raided the station to see if some kook had taken it over. But the only kook they could find was deejay Robert W. Morgan.
For years after that, Robert W. got deathly ill at the mere mention of puppies or love.

Today's the day the Buzzards always return to Hinckley, Ohio. Nobody knows why. To find out, Geraldo once invited the buzzards to appear on his show, but they wouldn't swoop that low.

And just because buzzards like Hinckley does not mean it's a dead town. In the spring it just smells that way.

On this date in 1994 actor Burt Reynolds was mugged as he left a book store. It was the second time he'd been mugged. The first time was in his divorce settlement.

Today is the day the buzzards return to Hinckley, Ohio. Or is it the day the hinckleys return to Buzzard, Ohio? I always get those mixed up.