Comedy Calendar

September 1, 2011

      Chicken Boy is 41 today. Chicken Boy is a 22-foot-tall Los Angeles statue of a boy with a chicken’s head. Nobody knows for sure, but with his beak and comb, he looks like he could be related to Lyle Lovett.

      September is National Chicken Month, a time to stop and meditate on how wonderful chickens are. So this month try to work in some serious chicken meditation, which usually works best when accompanied by finger-lickin'.

     Phidippides of Greece ran the first marathon on this day in 490 B.C. He ran 26 miles from Marathon to Sparta to get help in stopping the invading Persian army. But he didn't get any help because the Spartans had a rule: never trust anybody who runs over 25 miles in his underwear.

     This is National Cat Health Month. So be sure to take your cat in for his annual checkup: EKG .. cholesterol screening ... purr adjustment ... litter analysis ... wormogram ... ... cat scan....

     Gloria Estefan is 54 today. She’s the Miami singer with the spicy voice. In fact, this spicy girl can actually sing.
     There may be other spice girls, but Gloria’s the only spice woman.

     This is Baby Safety Month, a time to insure that all products are safe for babies. If your product is not safe for babies, be sure to put a warning label on it so the babies can't sue you.

     September is National Chicken Month. This is not about wimps who are afraid of everything, but about foul creatures who lay lots of eggs. In either case, it applies to some disc jockeys I know.

     The Daughters of the American Revolution was chartered on this date in 1891. My grandmother was a member of the D.A.R. Her great-great-great granduncle, George Wash 'N Wear, was the first person to hear the cry, "The Red Coats are coming!" So he ordered six dozen wholesale.

     September is Cable TV Month. Thanks to cable TV, the trashy movie you passed up at the mall three months ago can be in your own home tonight.

     September is Baby Safety Month, a time to focus on being very careful with babies — or they’ll spit-up all over you.
     Or worse.

    The Klondike International Outhouse Race is this week in The Yukon. Outhouses on wheels are raced over a two-mile course through downtown Dawson City. Last year's race ended in tragedy when one contestant lost control of his outhouse and crashed head-on into a crowd of avid outhouse racing fans.
     It was terrible. Fans had no idea that Mutual of Moose Jaw did not cover being struck by a passing outhouse.

     Edgar Rice Burroughs, the creator of Tarzan, was born on this date in 1875. I always thought Kevin Costner should make a Tarzan movie -- and call it "Dances With Apes."

     Martha, the world's last living passenger pigeon, died at the Cincinnati Zoo on this day in 1914. Martha's stuffed remains are now on display with other extinct species at the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. -- where she perches proudly on the Tomb of the Unknown Honest Politician.

     September is Cable TV Month, a time for millions of Americans to feel deprived because they don't have cable and have to watch all the movies with all the best words edited out.

     Some people think September got its name from "septum," that little partition between your nostrils. But that's silly since September has very little to do with noses.
     Instead, September was named for the Latin word septem, which means "seven." This makes sense because September is the 9th month.
     You can see how confusing it could be if anybody really cared.

     The World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-Off is this weekend in Brady, Texas. It's a city improvement project when they barbecue hundreds of goats. And by the end of the week the city will smell much better.

     Wagon Days are this week in Ketchum, Idaho, featuring the nation's longest wagon parade. It may be pretty dull since most people in Ketchum will be on the wagon.
     If they fall off, maybe somebody will, uh, ketchum.

     September is National Honey Month, honoring over 200,000 beekeepers in North America. So do something nice for a beekeeper and help take some of the sting out of his life.

     September is National Chicken Month, a time to remember that chicken is a wonderful food. Except for the feet. Even a buzzard won't eat chicken feet.

     September is National Cat Health Month, sponsored by Smelly Vittles, the cat food cats really like. Available in four fantastic flavors: grilled goldfish, barbecued bugs, roasted robin, and minced mice meat.

     Germany invaded Poland without declaring war on this date in 1939. The Germans were like that. They'd just barge into a country and start shooting. And even worse, their tanks took up two parking spaces.

     National Chicken Month begins today, which has absolutely nothing to do with politicians. That's National Turkey Month.

     This is National Honey Month, honoring beekeepers who keep over four million colonies of honey bees in North America. In their honor I suppose we could play something by Sting.