Radio Comedy

August 31, 2011

    The following disc jockey is real. Only his personality has been enhanced to keep you from dozing off.

     Because of the intense heat, today's entire program will be done in slow motion.

     Things get really hectic around here sometimes. I think I just put parmesan cheese in my coffee.

     The boss is mellowing somewhat. He finally installed paper cups by the water tank—so we don’t have to bring our canteens anymore.

     I see the boss had lunch at the mission again. The guy has two file cabinet drawers full of free Bibles.

     But remember, nudity is only skin deep.

     I never would have been a deejay if I hadn't squandered my inheritance. I invested everything in a tuna company called Turkey of the Sea.

     Maybe I'd better slow down. Sometimes when I'm talking fast, I say things I haven't thought of yet.

     [Falsetto] Sounds like he swallowed a tweeter.

     And on the flip side is a sad little love song entitled, "I Should Have Known the Honeymoon Was Over When She Put the Vaseline in My Bowling Ball."

      Now, today's exciting household statistic. Research shows that four out of five American homes have at least one swivel rocker that falls over backwards every time the pastor leans back in it.

     (Fast song) I wish you could have seen me dancing to that one. My top was doing the (Hustle), my bottom was doing the (Boogaloo); and my feet were belly dancing.

     [Goof] Well, what do you expect from a guy with sunstroke?

     Today's horoscope. Aquarius: Pay close attention to your signs today -- particularly the ones that say "Don't Walk."

     My garage is so dirty, roaches are dying of black lung.

     I've been crazy all my life -- but sometimes it seems longer.

     Shhhhh, listen ... hear that? That's my antiperspirant.
     Well, actually, I don't use antiperspirant. I use Alka-Seltzer.
     It's such a hoot hearing my armpits fizz.

     (Oldie) Solid Old -- 1979! I'll never forget 1979. That's the year my piano teacher crawled into the piano and tried to tune herself.

     There's never a dull moment when (Jock) is on the air. It lasts the whole show.

     Our guest tomorrow will be (Suburb) fitness freak Jane Fondue, who'll explain how to do deep knee bends even if you don't have deep knees.

    Up next, a man who graduated with honors from the Blabbermouth School of Broadcasting....