Remember, to fully understand the following disc jockey you must be confused, semi-warped, a bad speller, and frequently sing in your sleep.

     Did you ever hear (Previous Jock) when he was anything but great? Well, today he was anything but great.

     He's a very funny guy. I thought I would die laughing the first time I heard his joke.

     Today's program is brought to you by the exciting new deodorant, Industrial-Strength Secret. It's strong enough for a man, but it's made for a buffalo.

     Glad to be here -- walking that thin line between good taste and high ratings.

     Excuse me while I savor the moment. I can’t help it -- my favorite place is right here in your very ear.

     Today’s program is brought to you by Pit-Guard, the 51-hour antiperspirant worn on the International Space Station by 2 our of 3 Russian cosmonauts.

     My Dad was kinda cheap. He'd tell me to take off my glasses when I wasn't looking at anything. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      [Sexy] Man, just the look in that woman’s eyes would clog your average male sinuses.

     Now, today's crime stopper health tip. Remember, human body parts are now in so much demand for transplanting, you might want to have your drivers license number etched on all your vital organs.

     I guess I better shape up -- looks like the boss brought his pellet gun again.

     Hi, I'm Calvin Clutz. For years I suffered unbearable sinus headaches, watery eyes, and runny noses all over my body. Then one day I was miraculously healed while paying close attention to an antihistamine commercial on "The (Jock) Program." I'll tell you, I wouldn't miss "The (Jock) Show" for anything, even though I do still throw up every day.

     I didn't realize how dry it'd been until I turned on the sprinkler, and all the gophers came running out of their holes with little canteens.

     [Tech problem] Awright, this is getting serious! Somebody has to get the banana peel out of the CD deck!

     Adlibs on today's program were printed on a Hewlett-Studebaker Wavejet, the exciting new microwave printer that also boils water. And it'll print in brilliant color right on your cat.

     Tomorrow it's back to our exciting self-service CPR course for lesson #27 entitled, "How to Tell When You're Unconscious."

    I'd like to stay longer, but my roll-on just rolled off.

    Today's program was so great, I may even leave by the front entrance.