Radio Comedy - September 3

September 3, 2010

The following disc jockey is a true professional. In fact, in 19 states his tongue is registered as a deadly weapon.

Warning! In a recent laboratory test, four out of five cats that listened regularly to The (Jock) Program began purring off-key.

And a reminder-- the (JOCK) Show has been described as (LONG SILENCE) by the National Association of Mimes. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Today's program is brought to you by Clyde's Cell Phone Company, offering shoddy service, extra billing for wrong numbers, and lousy static-filled connections -- in short, everything you've come to expect from the phone service you're now using, but at half the price.

This Saturday morning on TV: Daffy Duck is committed; the Road Runner pulls a hamstring; and Porky Pig joins Weight Watchers.

I'm always saying stuff that gets me in trouble. That's what's wrong with my mouth -- it opens.

[Traffic report] Gee, the food on (Local) Freeway must be really great. You should see all the trucks parked there.

Don't miss tomorrow's big Sauerkraut Eating Contest on The (Jock) Show. We're having 67 different sauerkrauts flown in from all over the world, and anyone who can tell the difference wins.

In tonight's TV movie, Billy Bob Thornton and Park Overall star in "The Thang," about a small southern town terrorized by an evil creature that has the body of an alligator and the head of a social worker.

    Last night I couldn't sleep it was so hot. The waterbed kept whistling.

    I'll tell you how hot it is. I saw a bluejay frying a worm on the sidewalk.

    It's really embarrassing when your underarms squish.

    Man, perspiration is dripping off me like sweat!

    And if you encounter a tornado while driving, always remember -- the funnel has the right-of-way.

I just figured out why the Pakistanis get so upset when somebody shoots missiles over their country. It's just a big missileunderstanding.
All the missiles are painted Army green and everybody's afraid they're giant zucchinis.

Hey, I'd like to take all the credit, but it takes a dedicated team of 'behind the scenes' people to create a great radio show like this. Little, unimportant people -- whose names I can't remember right now. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

[Dead air] Sorry, I was just sitting here wondering what it would be like to have a real job.
And if that happens again, I may find out.

[Frog] Not only do I have a frog in my throat, but I think the frog in my throat has a frog in his throat.

Oh wow, today's I'm brighter than a firefly in heat.

Horoscope. Virgo: Today you will sprain an ankle, chip a tooth, drop a priceless heirloom, and lose your toothbrush. But be happy! It's your best day of the year.

Bricks for today's program were supplied by some kid who rode by on a motorcycle.

I would like to introduce you to a man with charm, talent, and wit -- but until we hire one, here's (Next Jock).