I want all the candidates to know that I will never vote for anyone stupid enough to be out campaigning in his heat.

     No one should have to suffer from Alzheimer's with memory prices so low.

     Nothing slows you down more than your cat catching a paw in your laser printer.

     My baloney has a first name, it's f-a-t-t-y.

     My wife washed my Odor Eaters. And put Bounce in the dryer. You should see the way I walk now.
     Yesterday one of the new guys winked at me.

     My bank says it will soon be paperless. I’m not intimidated—gas station restrooms have been paperless for years.

     I made a killing in the market. The farmers market. I ran over a chicken.

     Should you feel special if your cat can do a great impression of Yoko Ono?

     What are your chances of success if you post a flyer in the barn seeking a ribeye donor?

     Would anybody like to buy my used electricity for half price?

     What if you got away from it all and there was no place to stay?

     Esprit de Bribe is what makes the International Olympic Committee want to go for the gold.

     Now that Madonna is middle-aged there's a 50% chance she'll stop buying underwear that has to be polished.

     Unproven Theory Ready for Research: How much more is your electric bill due to transformer fried squirrels?

     If you skip reading the classifieds and feel no adverse effects, should you be be really brave and try it with the front page.

     I went to see the many sides of Sears, but they didn't have any ruby red tires to match my Corolla.

     Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.

     Since the most dangerous drivers are young, male tailgaters, should you forget the road ahead and concentrate entirely on the rear-view mirror?

     Does anyone have an HMO doctor whose name they can pronounce?

     Hillary can live with the President because she loves him, which explains why Congress can't.

     Why do they call it a pick-up truck if you have to load it?

     How many Chihuahuas does it take to make a burrito?

     You know it'll be a wonderful day when Mervyns has great prices on socks for everyone.

     You could develope a computer program to bleep out profane words on TV, but it might drive your dog crazy.

     To balance the ticket, how many think Al Gore should pick Carrot Top for his running mate?

     To make a real difference, should you become an organ donor or blow up an embassy?