I think I would have enjoyed being a farmer -- if I could have taught the cows to use a litter box.

     I even joined the 4-H Club. They told me the four H’s were head, hands, heart, and hooters.

     If you sing in the shower, and really go for it, you can swallow a lot of water.
     So, never shower for an hour after eating.
     And always wear your life jacket.

     You'll know summer is over when the squirrels start roasting their chestnuts in your bug zapper.

     It’s tough being a (Tigers) fan. Try eating a hot dog with a bag over your head.

     There are a lot of foreign students in this country. They're easy to spot. They're the ones going to class. 

    The top TV shows are three news programs and Just Shoot Me. Obviously, American viewers are very discouraged.

     You can tell there's a hint of autumn in the air when some kid's football smashes you in the face.

     Marriage is like wine. The older it gets the more bottled up you feel.

     Did you ever wonder if NBC realizes that a peacock is nothing but a turkey in drag?

     It's back-to-school-time, kids -- time to wash that Thermos.

     You know it's hot when you see a guy eating peanut brittle with a spoon.

     Today’s cloning question. When you clone a cow from another cow, and the two cows meet, does the cloned cow experience deja moo?

     It's hard to believe Dan Quayle has turned "liberal" into a four-letter word.

     Oktoberfests are where we learn that old German tradition of pulling over to the side of the road before you get sick.

     What I like most about this country is that everybody is equal—whether you’re a millionaire or a taxpayer.

     No matter what you read in the tabloids, Bill Cosby insists he has never said that all pudding tastes like chocolate mashed potatoes.

     I was going to quit smoking, but I heard that secondary smoke is worse.