You know you’re maturing when you have Tex-Mex for dinner, and then wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that Howard Stern, Janet Reno, and Allan Greenspan are singing Christmas carols on your front lawn.

     When the stock market drops over a hundred points in one day, the experts call it a "correction." Which explains why every time it happens hundreds of brokers start drinking correction fluid.

     You figure justice eventually will result in a shooting war between the NRA and Big Tobacco for control of the Republican Party.
     They'll wipe each other out, and the rest of us can live safely ever after.

     I don’t worry about Saddam Hussein. One of these days, when the Iraqi people wake up and figure out what’s going on, they’ll be flying his mustache at half mast.

     The NHL could stop the fighting if they wanted to. Instead of giving a guy two minutes in the penalty box, make him play two minutes without a stick. Or a helmet. Or skates.
     Or pants.

     Republicans will never get caught on videotape accepting money. Their big campaign contributors are tobacco lobbyists, and the room is filled with so much smoke you can’t see the money change hands.

     Now that it’s endorsed by the National Institute of Health, acupuncture is being used more often to relieve pain. The best way to use it is to hold the needles to your doctor’s throat until he prescribes morphine.

     Free University in Berlin has a course on the "myth" of Princess Diana. This can only mean one thing: their football players must be flunking out of the course on schnitzel-making.

     Democrats and Republicans have to stop hiding the truth from each other and get back to what our democracy is all about: hiding the truth from the people.

     The newest survey says 52% of all Americans believe there’s a hell. The other 48% are single.

     I have this recurring nightmare: Jerry Jones buys Arkansas, Bill Clinton goes back and is crowned king, and Barry Switzer commands the militia.
     They build this big ugly concrete wall right through the middle of Texarkana.....

     American scientists say it wouldn’t be right to create headless clones for growing transplant organs. Though it might be okay to use the headless humans for more ethical purposes, like playing college football.

     This is interesting. Scientists studying dinosaur bones isay their research may help unravel other mysteries in evolution. Like, for example, how Marlon Brando evolved from Stanley Kowalski into the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man.

     This just in. Highly placed White House sources reveal that while President Clinton and Hillary were away, Socks has been catting around.
      Republicans immediately called for the appointment of a special "prosecattor."

     Something I’ve noticed about cellular phones. If you use them a lot, you pay a lot. If you don’t use them much, you pay a lot.
     It’s not supposed to make sense, folks, it’s supposed to make money.

     The new high-definition TV sets have wider screens. Wow, they can show even larger naked butts.
     Be still, my stomach.

     If I watch too much TV I have nightmares. Last night I dreamed I was begin chased all night by one of those beer frogs.
     Talk about bad breath!
     In a dream last week Drew Carey’s Mimi sat on me for two hours while Dave Thomas told me hamburger jokes.

     Have you ever noticed that, apparently, the only reason some people take trips is to get good gas mileage?

     Warning! Never operate heavy machinery immediately after taking the time to stop and smell Willie Nelson's breath.

     The first thing a man does when he becomes a father is to change his mind about what he always thought he'd do when he became a father.

     No matter how insensitive society becomes to sex, the average man will still feel uncomfortable strolling through the softer side of Sears.