• Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.

    • Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

    • It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.

    • Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.

    • How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

    • You'll be happy to know that so far, the funniest name my spell checker has come up with. Is Calista "Flowchart."

    • You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.

    • Why is it that when you search the Web for a right answer, you always get 896-thousand wrong ones?

    • The election proves it: the patients are now running the asylum -- and doing a better job!

    • The Osama bin Laden jackpot is up to $5 million, but I don't know where to buy a ticket.

    • Real courage is a willingness to attack spaghetti in public.

    • It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Tinker Toys need more memory.

    • Isn't attacking people to teach them not to attack people the same as hitting a child to teach him not to hit others? If neither works, why do we keep doing it?

    • Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be like other people.

    • Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively dumb?

    • I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

    • Have you ever wondered why traffic planners never try fixing one street completely before they tear up another one?

    • To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

    • Why is it that some people can remember every detail of the dumbest joke you ever heard, but can't remember how many times they've already told it to you?

    • Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your waffle.

    • My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

    • Older people are more likely to live in the past because it's already paid for.

    • You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-IV dishwasher.

    • If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

    • Enough already with the killer doll movies! Aren't they becoming a little Upchucky?

    • The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe Fox is right, maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

    • I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to make fun of you.

    • There's just something wonderful about a cold, cold winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell the smokers.

    • Okay, I have a million awesome clipart images. Now what?

    • One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

    • Some questions you just can't answer. For example, on New Year's Day, 2000, did the flowers in the Rose Bowl Parade think it was 1900?

    • In modern society, fathers are the ones who phone from the golf course.

    • I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

    • You don't understand. If you understood, you'd understand that I don't want to understand you!

    • Did you ever wonder if the average terrorist eats a healthy breakfast?

    • Have you noticed that all a newspaper ever does is rearrange the words from yesterday's edition and print them again?

    • I have no answers, and I thoroughly enjoy bashing others who don't either.

    • Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

    • Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

    • You find such great stuff on the Internet. Like, I never dreamed I could someday own Eric Rudolph's recipe for rotisserie rabbit.

    • Hello, Glamour Shots? Does your weekend special also include dogs?

    • I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.