Republicans say they want to be fair and cut programs all across the board. The poor get their welfare cut, the middle class get their social services cut, and the weathly get their taxes cut. So everyone shares equally.

     I love basketball. Basketball is a game of graceful skills, like Shaq O'Neal ... squashing heads under the basket.

    My dog only makes noise when guys named Bob come to the house. I call him my "Bob" barker.

     Remember, if you're playing chess by mail, be sure to tape the pieces to the board so they won't move.

     You know you're getting too fat when the baby is sitting on your lap and you can't find him.

     If fast food isn't good for you, how come lions are so healthy?

     The good news is I dreamed I was marooned on a desert island with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. The bad news is they were the 1960 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

    Will we ever get a health-care plan in this country? I mean, we can't all marry Canadians!

     I'm not going to come right out and say that I'm ready for heaven, but I am looking forwad to not flossing after every meal.

     The economy is getting bad. I saw a hockey player with a sign that said, "Will fight for Gatorade."

     Tom Delay is ready. He went to the dentist and had his fangs sharpened.

     I've got nothing against the rich getting richer, but I am against the government helping them do it.

     Hospitals are so high-tech these days, you can now give a urine sample simply by dialing Caller I-P.