My wife buys everything at garage sales. Last year she bought a casket.
     We use it for a clothes hamper.
     It's air tight -- you can't smell the sweatsocks.
     When we have guests, I have to sleep in it.

     Poltical warning! Beware of Republicans in Christian clothing.
     Remember, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Republican to be a Christian.
     I read that in the Bible or on the Internet or somewhere, so it must be true.

     I told my son to take the trash out. He threw out every vegetable in the house.

     I still think Osama bin Laden sounds like some kind of ointment.

     And remember, those who grow spiritually and develop a close relationship with God not only go to heaven, but to the "No Sermon" section.

      My son has been accepted at UT -- the University of Tuition.

     "Criminal" is a relative term. What you pay at the ballpark for a hot dog is criminal, but you can't arrest anyone for it.

     My dog is almost human, but outside of that he makes a pretty good pet.

     Talking bathroom scales are pretty common. I wonder if there's a market for a talking Thighmaster.

     Back home this year there will be no meatloaf competition. Nobody would agree to judge it.

     One conclusion I've reached after years of serious observation: women who wear bikinis need to learn to suck in their hips.

     I hate ragweed. Yesterday I sneezed so hard the little alligator fell off my shorts.

     On the Internet, even though technically it is softwear, you still can't download lingerie.

     Would we have to slow down so much in school zones if they hired faster crossing guards?

     If you think about it, credit is crazy. I mean, everything I own I bought with money I may never have.

     I can never go home again. I forgot where I parked it.

     If it's true, if you really are what you eat, I think Dick Cheney could use a little ketchup.

     Did you ever wonder why we show so much respect for the dead -- but hardly any for the living?

     My school was so small we only had two students -- me and the girl who sat next to me.
     And she got up and moved.
     At the senior prom neither of us could get a date -- and she refused to dance with me.

     Smokers will always tell you about their 90-year-old uncle who smoked every day of his life. They never mention that he smelled like a charcoal briquette and looked like an unwrapped mummy.

     On company is opening two new supermarkets side-by-side. One is just for cereal.

     In today's traffic, you're lucky if you get to work in the same car you left home in.

     Remember, before leaving on vacation, make everybody syncronize their bladders.

     I'm usually pretty relaxed when I fly, except that one time when I noticed the crash-test dummy in the seat behind me.

     There's just something relaxing and serene about walking along a beach early in the morning -- counting the dead fish.

     Summer television is such a waste, like wearing cologne to a rodeo.

     During Jay Leno's monologue, when the audience applauds but doesn't laugh, is it still a joke?