I may not be a genius, but I'm not standing in line at midnight to buy a video.

     A real gambler is somebody who flips a coin to decide whether to place his Wall Street bets on the bulls or the bears.

     The trauma is building already. Should we take advantage of the big Christmas savings at the boutique or at Home Depot?

     What's the big deal if more American teenagers can name The Three Stooges than the three branches of government? Haven't most of us called them the Larry, Curly, and Moe branches for years?

     We can't put the Dan Rather scandal behind us because Republicans love it and they own the networks.

     With all the mail-in rebates and instant savings and cash-backs, nobody has known the real price of a computer since 1989.

     Remember, there is no morning after pill to reverse the results of drunk driving.

    You know Florida's having a rough hurricane season when you see alligators hitchhiking north.

     Where do moral people get the idea that everybody else is immoral?

      I don't own a leaf blower, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm anti-wind.

     Today's Travel Question That Is Screaming For An Answer: If you vacation in Utah, can you be absolutely certain that polygamy is not contagious?

     Another issue concerning the Congress is the legality of assassinating Osama bin Laden and other suspected terrorists. In other words, in our quest to have the lion lie down with the lamb, is it okay to shoot the lion?

     So what do you think? How many Americans this very minute are carrying a 22-caliber cell-phone?

     Do you know of a computer store that can custom-build a PC that'll read your mind and not argue with you?
     And if they can build one liked that, can they also upgrade your spouse?

     Football season is now underway. This means on Friday night we'll have to stay awake through ten minutes of high school highlights before getting the baseball scores.

    I don't know about you, but I still haven't felt the effects yet of higher short-term interest rates.

    It's been two full days since I went to the fair, and I'm still in corny dog withdrawal.
    Does somebody make a corny dog patch?

    Discountophobia is the unnatural fear of becoming lost in a Super Wal-Mart and being run over by two 88-year-olds drag racing their motorized wheel chairs.

    I'm psychic enough to know that when you call the psychic hotline, your phone number becomes their lucky number.

    I can't help it, I still wonder: When Johnny Cash was in the hospital, does he wear a black gown that tied in the back?

    If we can find out that 80% of 14-year-olds think it's okay to get drunk, why can't we find out what brand of beer they drink and who's selling it to them?
    Or would that cost somebody some big advertising money?

    So, will St. John's Milk Duds make a lousy movie worth eight bucks?

    I figured out why there seems like something is missing in the baseball playoffs. There's something missing. No Cheeseheads.

    Say what you will about the devil and politicians, they're hustlers.