You can lead a mind to information, but you can't make it think.

     Hey, I'm an American, and I am exercising my inalienable right not to care.

     They had a congressional talent show. It lasted a minute and a half.

      Did you ever stop to realize how well the birds of the air do without the right to choose their own doctors?

     An expert is any person who can demonstrate that the truth corresponds to my opinion.

     When I was young I knew everything, but then I got an education and forgot it all.

     A big city freeway is merely a test track for those trying to break the sound barrier in an SUV.

     Wiarton Willie was the most famous Canadian in history that never played hockey.

     I see in the fashion section that pink and black are back in. Elvis must be rolling over in his Cadillac.

     Where does Victoria's Secret get their models? From RollerJam?

     How come every time Republicans mention a tax cut it feels like getting another letter from Publishers Clearinghouse?

     A few colleges recruit the best high school football players, and the other colleges recruit ethically.

     So which is it: do we elect stupid people to political office or does politics drive people stupid?

     Don't Republicans realize that their dead horse is beginning to smell?

     I don't care if it is February sweeps, I do not want to see Andy Rooney in a Speedo.

     Ever wonder why, in the aquariums in your doctor's office, you almost never see any sardines?

     Anybody got any CDs by Puff Mama?

     Remember, this is America, and just because you're an idiot is no guarantee you'll be elected.

     The worst thing about February is that you can't get rid of it until March.

     Cooking broccoli is easy. Way too easy.

     I admit it, I'm as confused as a Republican playing Follow the Leader.

     How many Chihuahuas does it take to make a burrito?

     Republicans are against big government because they know they can't handle it.

     An oil truck: that’s a vehicle that pumps your oil in while pumping your money out.

     So, when she's old and crabby enough, do you think Jessica Simpson should run for the House or the Senate?

     As for you, Osama, may 88,000 camel flies attack your saddle sore!

     If the President went to prison, would Secret Service agents go with him?

     Why doesn't some automaker develop an air bag with a little spit sink, so you can brush your teeth on the way to work?

     I have never eaten a bagel, but they are cute dogs.

     Auto racing is sport like beer is life-giving nectar.

     I was a street person once, until my wife finally let me in.