[intro] I’ll begin by telling you what a remarkable person our speaker is. Then
I’ll describe all the wonderful things he’s done for the community. And
I’ll conclude by saying some things that are true. [small crowd] I forgot to bring
something with me—my audience.
[If someone takes
your picture] Paparazzi!!
(Introducing a co-worker) In your office we have someone who’s always there ... a
person we can count on ... someone who does the work of three people – your
secretary.
(Honoring a doctor)
We bought you a gift you’ll appreciate: a state-of-the-art beeper. It alerts you when
there’s a sale on golf clubs.
(Heckler) I bet you
work in telephone solicitation, right?
[Mic
problem] This microphone is like my wife: it won’t let me speak.
[To
retiree] We wanted to immortalize you by having your likeness made into a bronze statue,
but it’s too expensive. So we have another gift that will give you the bronze
look—this tube of suntan lotion.
[goof] There are
several secrets to giving a good speech. That was not one of them.
And
if anybody out there doesn't know what I'm talking about, then you must know how I feel!
You’ve been a
wonderful audience. So ... we’re even.
[When you’re a
substitute] Now you know how people feel when they’re expecting Mel Gibson, and get
Mel Tillis.
[If you’re
short] I’m short, but I compensate—by making my speeches long.
[Flowery intro]
Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could figure out who you have me
confused with.
[loud crash] Oh-oh.
I told Shaq that rocking horse wouldn’t hold him.
You’ve been a
great audience. I don’t really mind a few coffee slurpers.
[hot room] I haven't
sweated this much since my tax audit.
Now I'd like to open
the floor to questions. And since they never get a chance to speak, why don't we start
with the married men?
by Diane DiResta, 1998).
