Humor for Public Speakers

Humor for Speakers

Speech Writers - Need a speech, eulogy, toast, or a poem in a hurry? This is the place
1,101 One-Liners - A great humor file you can have in minutes with easy to find one-liners listed alphabetically by subject. Clean and funny!
Resources for Speakers - Loads of materials, ideas, articles, and humor for public speakers.
HaBlog! News and Nonsense. The trick is to figure out which is which..

A Better Speaker Store
You won't find a better resource for public speakers anywhere.

Hundreds of funny quotes, every day! But only for those with the
HaLife Toolbar

One-Liners for Speakers

(Can’t raise microphone) I’ve gotta start working out......

I knew this was going to be a good audience when I noticed all the tacky ones sat at the back.

Becoming Larger Than Life - When you walk out in a room of 30 people or a auditorium of 3000 and literally "own the room," it really is an amazing transformation. To imagine how you can be that much larger than life is mind boggling. But you can.

[intro] I’ll begin by telling you what a remarkable person our speaker is. Then I’ll describe all the wonderful things he’s done for the community. And I’ll conclude by saying some things that are true.

[response] Thanks so much for saying all those wonderful things. Could I have a copy of that for my in-laws?

I’m not here to say anything profound. I’m here to make a speech.

[small crowd] I forgot to bring something with me�my audience.

[If someone takes your picture] Paparazzi!!

(Introducing a co-worker) In your office we have someone who’s always there ... a person we can count on ... someone who does the work of three people – your secretary.

(Honoring a doctor) We bought you a gift you’ll appreciate: a state-of-the-art beeper. It alerts you when there’s a sale on golf clubs.

(Heckler) I bet you work in telephone solicitation, right?

[Mic problem] This microphone is like my wife: it won’t let me speak.

[To retiree] We wanted to immortalize you by having your likeness made into a bronze statue, but it’s too expensive. So we have another gift that will give you the bronze look—this tube of suntan lotion.

Anyone with a Web site will benefit from Qassia!
u Anyone. Period. t

[goof] There are several secrets to giving a good speech. That was not one of them.

Q: To help you relax before making a speech, should you: (a) have an extra Scotch; (b) try to burp; or (c) try to yawn?
A: Try to yawn. It's a physiological thing (Knockout Presentations: How to Deliver Your Message with Power, Punch, and Pizzazz by Diane DiResta, 1998).

And if anybody out there doesn't know what I'm talking about, then you must know how I feel!

You’ve been a wonderful audience. So ... we’re even.

[When you’re a substitute] Now you know how people feel when they’re expecting Mel Gibson, and get Mel Tillis.

[If you’re short] I’m short, but I compensate—by making my speeches long.

[Flowery intro] Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could figure out who you have me confused with.

[loud crash] Oh-oh. I told Shaq that rocking horse wouldn’t hold him.

You’ve been a great audience. I don’t really mind a few coffee slurpers.

[hot room] I haven't sweated this much since my tax audit.

Now I'd like to open the floor to questions. And since they never get a chance to speak, why don't we start with the married men?

A PERSUASIVE SPEECH. WHY SHOULD IT BE HARD WORK? - Loads of practical information and tips FREE to you today. Persuasive speech topics, outlines, samples, to speech construction and delivery with skill and reduced nerves.� Using words and imagery to effectively communicate.