Children
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz

Never have children, only grandchildren.
Gore Vidal

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
Franklin P. Jones

Climb
There are three ways to get to the top of a tree: 1) climb it; 2) sit on an acorn; or, 3) make friends with a big bird.
Robert Maidment

Crime
I don't worry about crime. I enjoy sleeping under the house.
Joe Hickman

Deer Heads
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

Designated Drivers
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy

Driving
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

Emotions
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
Kurt Vonnegut

Evolution
If Darwins theory of Evolution was correct, shouldn't cats be able to operate can-openers by now?
Unknown

Expert
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Peter Ustinov

Football
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
George F. Will

Force
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
David Friedman

Gardening
You haven't really lived until you've rototilled your foot.
Joe Hickman

Genius
The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

God
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Art Hoppe

Hate
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
Tom Lehrer

Honesty
You've got to be honest. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

Humor
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
 Brendan Gill

Husband
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland

Immortality
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

Insult
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Cordel Hull

Invest
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
 Billy Rose

Language
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

Lipstick
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfield

Love
Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

Marriage
Marriage is a wonderful institution. In fact, of all the institutions I've been in, I liked marriage best.
Joe Hickman

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.  After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
Minnie Pearl

Montana
In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because hes lonely.
Rich Hall

Needs
My parents never fulfilled my needs. I asked for candy and they gave me love.
Joe Hickman

Pen
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

Pigs
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Sir Winston Churchill

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
George Carlin  

Prejudice
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields

Punctuality
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones

Relativity
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Religion
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Research
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
Wernher von Braun

Sanity
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung

Sleeping
I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
Johathan Raban

Small World
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.  
Steven Wright

Speakers
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Robert Orben

Species
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
 Jeff Stilson

Spelling
I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way.
Mark Twain

Trivia
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
Oscar Wilde (Before the Internet)

Women
You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
Norman Mailer

Wonders
Life is full of wonders. My mind is constantly fascinated by some of the things my mouth comes up with.
Joe Hickman