[Retirement] I didn’t realize just how long
(Retiree) had been with the company until he was cleaning out his desk and found a stage
coach ticket.
What can you say about a
man who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying he’s not
the man we’re honoring tonight.
He doesn’t
put on airs. After all the holiday eating, he has enough trouble just putting on his
pants.
He’s afraid nobody will remember him when he’s gone. Gee, I can think of several
reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I can think of
them.
With most people, the
left side of your brain does some things, and the right side does others. In his case,
however, neither side seems to do a whole lot.
He’s always been a swinger.
Instead of an umbilical cord, he was born with a bungee cord.
There’s no middle ground
with this guy—you either hate him or detest him.
Hey, what do you expect from a
guy who was born in an Edsel?
I’d like to introduce a man
who never says a bad word about anybody. He doesn’t know anybody.
This guy is so
middle-of-the-road, his nickname is "Median."
I don't like him -- and I
always will.
Only woman I know who owns a mink
coat with a picture of Brad Pitt on it.
He may be a vegetarian but he's
still full of baloney.
[The boss] He’s not the kind
of man who takes work home with him. How can he? We do all the work.
[Birthday] You’re a year
older, but you’ll never be over the hill—not in the car you drive.
Before I introduce our guest of
honor, I’d like to introduce several people who admire and revere him. And since
there’s no one here like that, I’ll introduce him.
He's one of the most colorful
personalities I know. He's green with envy, and there's a yellow streak down his back.
He has the grace of a swan, the
wisdom of an owl ... the eye of an eagle... Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the
birds!
I don't want to say he's
immature, but the man can cuss like a 10-year-old.
She can out-talk an echo.
We received a number of
congratulatory telegrams for this event—from people congratulating themselves for not
being here.
Our next speaker could have been
telling his jokes in (Houston) tonight, but he chose to tell them here in (Dallas) because
of his high regard for the people of—(Houston).
- ...also bosses,
co-workers or anyone deserving.